


Shades

by alrightginger



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Eventual Smut, F/M, and they were fucking roommates yall, but like, can't i have both, guy patterson or james potter?, i'm married and my husband isn't even in the running, strangers to roommates, that thing you do references, they steal a cat together and do other best friend things, to best friends, to lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 22:11:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14602803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alrightginger/pseuds/alrightginger
Summary: The first mistake Lily Evans made was thinking that no man could possibly add up to Guy Patterson. The second mistake was moving in with the guy after answering his roommate wanted ad. Muggle AU





	1. Roommates

 

  **Chapter One**

**or**

**Roommates**

 

Lily Evans  _hates_ Tuesdays.

She got her very first period on a Tuesday. She had once broken her arm on a Tuesday.

And her boyfriend of the past seven years, the one she had been  _living_ with, had just broken up with her. On a fucking Tuesday.

But it's the Wednesday after the dreaded Tuesday when Lily stumbles into a coffee shop, clutching in her hand a cutout from yesterday's paper with an ad in it looking for a roommate. Lily could clearly tell from the wording of the ad that the people who had placed it were a bunch of boys.  _Possibly_ men, but Lily couldn't imagine  _men_ using the words "solemnly swear" in an ad a total of  _three times._ Nonetheless, she had called anyway, and the voice on the other line  _sounded_ deep enough. As if the other person had gone through  _some sort_  of puberty. And she's out of options frankly. The flat is in a safe part of town, and the only thing that awaits her back in Cokeworth is her sister who wants as little to do with Lily as possible.

He had given her only his name -  _James Potter -_ and the address of where he worked so they could meet up first and chat a bit. It's a little shop called Spill The Beans, and when Lily enters a bell dings. It's dimly lit, the smell is nearly intoxicating, but it's the  _man_ \- and he clearly, clearly is a man- behind the counter that makes Lily stop in her tracks.

There is  _no way_ she can be roommates with him. He's too fucking fit for that sort of thing. He's the type of bloke who Lily would attempt to go back to his flat as a sexual conquest. He's the type of bloke who Lily would want to take home to introduce to her mother (God rest her soul). He's the type of bloke that temporary makes her forget about her dick of a ex-boyfriend.

He's  _not_ the type of bloke she wants to be  _flatmates_  with.

But before she can turn out the door and bolt he lifts his eyes - which Lily notices are  _impossibly_ hazel- and spots her there. They widen for such a brief moment that Lily wonders if she imagined the movement, before his features form into a grin, and Lily's  _done for._

"You must be Lily Evans," he says. His voice is smooth and deep, and Lily thinks she could drown in it. "James Potter, at your service."

Lily blinks. "Fuck me."

"What?"

" _What?"_

"Did you just-"

" _Lily!"_ She practically shouts her own name at him, and it echos off the walls of the shop. He starts for a short moment before smirking at her, and it's only the fact that Lily is curious about the way his smirk would feel against the curve of her own lips that keeps her from getting irritated. "I'm Lily. Lily Evans."

"Why don't you have a seat, Evans?" He gestures towards a small table near the window, and moves from behind the counter. His barista uniform should be illegal. It's unfairly tight, and Lily has ample view of his biceps which makes her wonder what it would be like to squeeze them. "I would offer you coffee, but you mentioned over the phone that you hate it."

"Fucking bean water," she says, scrunching her nose up, and then she flushes at her own bluntness. "I mean- I'm sorry. I'm not normally this -  _frazzled."_

"Long day?"

"Long past two days," says Lily. She pauses for a moment, biting the nail of her thumb, and gazing out the window. "Do you ever just  _hate_ a day? Like, all the bad things in the world happen to you on a particular day?  _Tuesdays_ are those days for me. I've never woken up on a Tuesday and been like, 'thank  _god_ it's Tuesday.' Do you know why?"

James shook his head, the grin still tugging on his lips.

"Because Tuesday is the day that the world decides it's just going to fucking shit all over Lily Evans.  _This Tuesday -_ yesterday - my boyfriend of  _seven years,_ who I've been living with for five of those years, decides to dump  _me._ And I know you just met me so you can't understand the full scope of this tragedy. But he was in a  _band._ A fucking drummer. It was like I was Faye from  _That Thing You Do -_ have you seen that movie?"

"Yes, but doesn't she end up with the drummer?"

"That's  _besides_ the point. Nathan - my ex- is the Jimmy in that movie except I didn't get to dump him like Faye dumped Jimmy in an awesome 'shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight' dialogue. No, not only did  _he_ dump  _me,_  but he's been  _cheating_ on me."

"So now you're looking for your Shades?"

"If anything I'm looking for my  _Guy,_ because Guy is so much more than just  _Shades._ You take the shades off, and you get the Guy behind them," says Lily. She notices for the first time that he's wearing glasses. "But not right now. Right now, I'm focusing on me, because I lost a bit of me while I was with Nathan."

"That's awful, Evans." He's slouching back casually in his chair, and though his tone is earnest, it's the way his eyes are sparkling at her that catches her off guard. "It's awful that all of that happened to you on a Tuesday, but today is  _Wednesday."_

"Are you making fun of me?"

"Not at all. I'm simply saying, if the universe  _does_ truly hate you on Tuesdays, Wednesdays must act as some sort of silver lining. Don't you think?"

"I'm not sure I'm following-"

"Tuesday your bastard of an ex-boyfriend decides to dump you. Frankly, it's going to be the worst mistake of his life, because I can't imagine him doing any better than you. Jimmy never could have done better than Faye in my opinion. But then Wednesday morning -  _today -_ you call me, who happens to be in dire need of a roommate, and the tables are turned in your favor."

"My... _favor?"_

"Lily Evans, I promise to never do you wrong. As a  _roommate."_

Lily leans forward in her chair, resting her chin on the palm of her hand as she examines the man across from her. Living with him would be a horrible, horrible mistake. Living in such confined spaces with someone she's clearly attracted to while she's trying to get over some other guy would be very unwise indeed. She's already wondering what he would look like if he took off his glasses, and stared down her Jimmy of an ex like Guy did.

And yet…

"You really want to live with me? Frazzled mess and all?"

"I'll have you know I'm quite good at sorting out messes."

"What about your roommate? Won't he want to meet me first?"

"Sirius won't mind. So long as you pay your rent. The flat is technically mine anyway."

"Okay."

"Yeah?" She wonders if he grins in his sleep. "Let's do this."

He offers her his hand, and the moment she takes it she knows why his hair appears to be sticking out in every direction imaginable. Because he has lightening coursing through him, and it crosses his fingertips and courses through her skin, and she wonders how she's ever supposed be satisfied touching anything else.

* * *

Living with James Potter isn't all that bad. So long as Lily takes major precautions to avoid him a majority of the time. Which is what she's been doing for the first week of her new life at the flat. She leaves for work fairly early in the morning, and so does he, which proves to be the most difficult thing to work around.

She caught him leaving the loo in nothing but a  _towel_ one morning, and it took an extra long shower to get the image out of her mind. He's unfairly fit, unfairly tall, and Lily wonders what it would be like to climb him.

But more than that, he makes her  _laugh,_ and she's just coming off a devastating breakup, and should be listening to Taylor Swift songs while drinking wine and crying alone in her room. Not  _laughing_ at some story a bloke she barely knows is telling her to the point tears are streaming down her cheeks. She should be burning pictures of Nathan or cutting his face out of them at least. She should be laying awake at night heartbroken over  _Nathan._ Not unable to sleep because she accidentally touched James Potter's arm when they crossed paths in the hallway, and went the rest of the day feeling like she'd been struck by lightning.

Her closest friend, Mary, thinks she's absolutely mad for moving in with two boys she doesn't know. She thinks she's mad about Lily's  _That Thing You Do_ references, and  _no guy_ could ever match up to Guy Patterson. But James Potter could. Or at least he's a close second. She also thinks she's lying about how fit James Potter is, and demands proof.

And Lily  _is_  mad, because she's trying to figure out a way to take Potter's picture without him knowing so she can send it to Mary. She's got the camera app open on her phone, and is sitting at the bar watching Potter cook, waiting for the right moment to snap a picture. And it's as though James  _knows_ what her plan is, because he's still in his stupidly tight barista shirt, and the sleeves are rolled up as he's chopping up an onion for  _whatever_ it is that he's cooking, and Lily has the perfect shot of his biceps.

And,  _hell,_ she might even make this photo her background after sending it to Mary because it's perfect.

_Perfect, perfect, perfect._

Except it's  _not_ perfect. Which she discovers as she snaps the photo, and the  _fucking_ flash goes off. James' head swivels quickly in her direction, and Lily shrieks, throwing her phone across the room as though it's scalded her hand.

They stare at one another for a long moment before James raises an eyebrow at her.

"Did you just-"

" _No."_

"- take my picture?"

"Do you know what I just remembered? There's a  _really_ important press release that I forgot to do for the hospital. So I better get on that. Right now."

"Evans-"

"So, I'm just going to be in my room. Probably all night."

Lily side steps to where her phone collided with the wall, and James never once takes his eyes off of her. He's got the beginnings of another grin blossoming, and Lily wants to smack it off his face. Or maybe snog it off. She's not really sure. Probably a mixture of both. She wants to knock his glasses off of his face, and then crash their lips together until she feels the lightning down to her toes. She bends down and snatches up her phone - relieved and surprised it's not shattered to pieces- and darts to the safety of her room. She slams the door shut behind her, and lets her head bang roughly against the wood.

She's in fucking trouble, but she glances down at her phone - which has the most  _perfect_ shot of James Potter- and thinks that maybe it's worth it.

She forwards the picture to Mary, and it takes less than thirty seconds for her phone to light up with an incoming call.

Feeling as though she's bloody sixteen again, and chatting to Mary about her boy problems, Lily hides herself away in her closet, shutting the door tightly, before answering.

"Hello?"

" _Shut up!"_ Mary is shouting so loudly that Lily has to hold the phone away from her ear. There's the sound of music and chatter and Lily suspects she's out drinking. " _Shut up, shut up, shut up."_

"I told you," hisses Lily. "I  _fucking_ told you."

"I thought you were  _lying,_ or just incredibly blind. But, fuck  _me,_ he is fit, isn't he?"

"He's  _so_ fit. He's so fit I want to  _cry._ The other day I actually  _did_ start crying about it! I was thinking of Nathan at first and listening to  _Red,_ and then all of a sudden I was thinking of  _James,_ and his stupid biceps _._ I just full out started sobbing."

"God Lily-"

"I want him to do unspeakable things to me. I want to do unspeakable things to  _him._ I want to be underneath him, with him hovering just a bit above me where I have to raise myself up to kiss him, because he's the type of guy you cross distances for to kiss."

Mary snorts and then chokes on what Lily assumes is whatever she's drinking.

"Where are you?" asks Mary. "You're whispering."

"Oh, I'm only in my fucking  _closet_ because when I tried to take that picture for you the  _fucking flash went off!"_

"Why the fuck are you in your closet?" Mary's laughing, and soon Lily is too though she has to bury her face in her legs to muffle it. "How old are you, Lily?"

"Apparently young enough to still be having boy problems, but too old to know how to properly take a picture on my smartphone."

"What are you going to do? Jesus, no wonder you're not spiraling in a post-breakup funk. How could you with that fit fucking boy around?"

"I have  _no idea,_ Mary," groans Lily. "I'm probably never going to be able to leave my closet after this. I'm going to have to send in all the press releases from my laptop. I'm supposed to help with planning that Gala next month, and I guess it will just have to take place in my fucking closet."

"Don't be so dramatic. Who  _hasn't_ taken a picture with the flash going off?"

"It's more than that! It's just - okay, you know how I  _hate_ coffee."

"Yes, because you're  _insane."_

"Liking coffee isn't an argument for one's mental health!"

"God, you're such a nerd. Anyway, go on."

"I used to  _hate_ the smell of coffee. Fucking hated it. But then he comes home smelling like that coffee shop every damn day -  _which,_ by the way, he  _owns -_ and I just want to drag him into my bedroom. It's the most intoxicating thing."

"Maybe you need to get it out of your system?"

"I can't  _get it out of my system!_ He's my  _roommate,_ Mary! He's not some one night stand I'm never going to see again. I would see him again. The next day.  _In my flat."_

"Well you're going to have to do  _something,_ because you're absolutely smitten with this guy."

"I'm not  _smitten."_

"Then what are you?"

"I'm  _fucked!"_

"I think the problem is that you  _aren't_ fucked. If we're being honest here."

Lily is nearly about to reply that Mary is the worst best mate she could possibly have when there's a knock outside her closet door, and she freezes.

"Um, Mary?" she says softly. "I've got to go."

"What do you mean-"

But Lily disconnects the call, and her closet door opens before she can reach the handle, and  _of course_ James Fucking Potter is standing on the other side. He's got one hand on the doorknob, and the other one in his pocket of his jeans which he must have changed into at some point after the photo incident, and Lily wonders if it's insane to try to snap another picture. Even his  _jeans_ look unfairly attractive on him.

"What are you doing in your closet?" His head is cocked to one side, and Lily suspects he's trying very hard not to smirk down at her. "Can't be comfortable."

"I had to make a phone call," she says lamely.

"Are you avoiding me?" He's so blunt that it almost cuts her, but his tone isn't harsh. Rather it's teasing. "Because I'd rather you didn't."

"No,  _no._ Of course not."

His eyes dart over her, and she's biting her lower lip so hard she's surprised she doesn't draw blood. He licks his lips before being unable to fight his smirk any longer, and offers her a hand which she takes.

"Let's go to dinner," he says, hoisting her up. "Sirius is out, and I sort of burnt what I was trying to cook."

"Just- just us?"

"Of course," he says. "I mean, since you're not avoiding me and all. My treat."

Lily blinks up at him. She estimates she's about six inches shorter than he is. "Where do you want to go?"

"There's this pizza place I'm quite  _smitten_ with."

* * *

Lily isn't sure how much James heard of her conversation with Mary, but she isn't about to ask him. Instead, she chooses to sit across from him and squirm awkwardly while he stares right back at her. The pizza place is crowded, and they haven't seen their waitress since they placed their order, and Lily has sucked her drink down to the bottom where all that remains is the last little bit of crushed ice.

"I dated this girl - her name was Cindy - for two years." James speaks so suddenly that Lily jumps. This time, though, he's not looking at her. He's looking out the window, and Lily wonders how far away his memories are taking him. "I thought she was  _the one._ We met at University."

"Was she a good kisser?" Lily isn't sure why she asked such a question. She really doesn't want to know the answer.

He nods slowly. "Yeah."

"Yeah?" she teases.

"It wouldn't be...  _proper_ of me to say any more than that."

"Hmmm," hums Lily. "Well, what happened between you two?"

"There wasn't some big blow up or falling out. It was more of...while I was thinking she was the one,  _she_ met the one, and it turns it that he wasn't me."

"Oh, that's awful."

"It was at the time, but now I sort of understand."

"Do you?"

"It's sort of like that Van Halen song,  _Love Walks In._ Love, literally love, that is. When you know, you know. Everything changes, and with Cindy-  _nothing_ changed. Everything sort of just stayed the same. Even after we split."

Lily wants to ask if he had felt that feeling yet. If it had happened after Cindy. If he had ever experienced that sort of contact that it takes to change your life, like Van Halen sang about. Because  _she_ understands what that feels like. Even if the timing seems all wrong. But their pizza arrives before she could get her throat to unstick, and the moment is gone.

"All of that is to say, I regretted being hung up over her for so long. Especially when she was so happy," he says, putting a slice of pizza on her plate. "There was a lot I missed out on because of it, but  _you_ seem to be doing much better than I did. I listened to  _River_ on repeat for like a week."

Lily ponders over what he said for a moment. She certainly  _feels_ out of control, and as though she can't get her feet on solid ground. But not over Nathan. And it's almost a relief to not feel that way over him. As if, though her feet are unsteady, she still has the ability to  _breathe._ As though James Potter has given her air, and the ability to fly.

"You know what I do regret the most?" She blinks down at her plate. "It's not the way we broke up, or even the fact that he did it first. It's the fact that he has my fucking cat. He refused to let me take him."

"That bastard has your cat?" He sounds so outraged that Lily nearly giggles. She knows it's real because his eyes aren't pulled upwards. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

 _Because I saw you in your towel that one time and you busted my brain,_ she thinks.

"Because there's nothing I can do about it," she says aloud instead. "Which sucks because I'm the one who adopted him. Nathan didn't even want him."

"Lily Evans," says James, leaning in across the table, and Lily thinks he has a flare for dramatics. "There is  _always_ something you can do about it if you've got enough nerve."

* * *

" _Be quite!_ You're going to get us caught. Heavens, Evans. Haven't you ever done this before?"

"Have I ever sat outside the bushes of my old house, waiting for my ex-boyfriend to go to sleep, so that we can sneak in through the front window that I  _know_ he'll leave unlocked, because I don't live with him anymore so I can steal my cat back? Sorry, no. This is  _my first time!"_

James grins at her and even though it's dark, his grin is far too bright for her to look at. He's going to either kill her with his charm, or get her arrested for breaking and entering. She isn't sure which one she prefers at the moment.

"Surely he's in bed by now," says James. "The lights have been out for ages. Try the window."

Lily does as she's told, letting out a relieved breath she isn't aware of holding when the window raises up. In and out. That was all she had to do. It would be simple, easy, no big deal-

"In you go," says Potter, lifting her up and shoving her through the window. Any other time she would have been impressed with the ease at which he lifted her, but today she's crashing onto the floor, possibly dislocating her shoulder, and she feels rather cross instead.

"Fuck me," she groans into the floor.

There's movement next to her, and Lily turns to see Potter standing over top of her. Hands in his pockets and grinning. "Do you mean it this time?"

Perhaps it's the fact that the floor has knocked some sense into her, or the fact that he's arrogant enough to bring up her blunder from when they first met. Either way, Lily snatches the pillow off the chair next to her and repeatedly beats him over the head with it.

" _Fuck!"_ he hisses, shielding his head. "I was  _joking,_ Evans! Christ!"

" _Shut up!"_

"You're beating the shit out of me with a pillow, and you want me -"

"No! I mean,  _shut up,_ I hear something!"

Lily ceases her attack, and the pair of them stand stock still for a brief moment. Lily is certain she heard a shuffle of movement during Potter's cries, but isn't sure if it's Nathan or -

" _Conrad!"_ Her fat ginger cat has lumbered out from whatever spot he was resting in, and is sitting at her feet. His green eyes blink up at her unimpressed, but Lily scoops him up and begins to cry. "Oh,  _Conrad!"_

"Christ, he's fat," says James, petting him behind the ears while Lily buries her nose in his fluff. "That was easier than expected. Do you think he can fit through the window?"

"Shut up," says Lily, but she gives James a grateful smile.

"What about the car? Do you reckon we ought to take the bus instead?"

"Tell the silly boy it's mostly fluff, Conrad."

" _That's_ not fluff. That is the fattest damn cat I've ever seen."

Before Lily can retort, there's a light shining from upstairs, and the familiar sounds of Nathan stumbling about. Something crashes, sounds as though it's shattered, and Lily hopes it's the ugly vase his mother gave them for Christmas last year.

"Right then," says Potter, grabbing her around the waist before she had any time to react. "Hold on to that fat fluff. He'll soften your fall."

"What-"

Lily is shoved through a window for the second time in her life, clutching her cat tightly to her chest, and muffling a squeal into his fur. She lands on her back, Conrad squirming against her, and Lily thinks fleetingly that she's thankful she trimmed his claws the day before the breakup.

And then there's a pair of Converse shoes in her line of vision, and Lily peers up at James face. Head cocked, eyebrows raised, as if he wonders what she could possibly doing on the ground.

"Well don't just lay there," he grins down at her. " _Run, Evans!"_


	2. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is my 28th birthday! So my gift to all of you is the next chapter of Shades! More That Thing You Do references ahead if you can spot them. Also a Modern Family and a Friends reference. I wish I could give you a more James and Lily filled chapter, but Sirius and Lily have some things to sort out. Next chapter is more James centered and is titled Naked.
> 
> Also, my apologies to any good Nathans out there. This one is based entirely off an ex of mine.
> 
> Please leave a comment!

**Chapter Two**

**or**

**Friends**

There is something about the act of stealing a cat together that solidifies a friendship.

It is similar to the childlike wonder of sharing a secret with a person in the darkness of one's bedroom, or the act of letting a person catch you in their arms when you fall backwards.

It builds a trust and a bond between two people, stealing a cat does.

Or at least, this is the case for James Potter and Lily Evans.

For Lily and James are  _friends_ now, and it's a Wednesday morning when Lily is woken by the godawful tones of James singing  _Just Another Girl_ by The Killers, along with the smell of pancakes, and she realizes that they've fallen into a rather easy dynamic with one another.

Conrad is sprawled out on the pillow next to her head, and blinks over at her,  _still_ unimpressed, but perhaps a bit more content than he was at the house with Nathan. She isn't sure, but she knows her cat is fond of James if nothing else. It isn't uncommon to find him lazing about in James' bed if he can't be found in her own. And once or twice Lily has arrived home from a late night at work to find Conrad curled up in James' lap, and James feigning that he can't get up under his great weight.

And Lily wonders how her life has changed so much within the first two weeks of living with James, and how it possibly could have ever been anything else than what it is exactly in this moment.

She can't imagine  _not_ waking up to his horrid singing every morning. She can't picture not having breakfast together, sitting side by side at the table, before they both leave for work every morning. She can't remember a time where James isn't struggling with the morning crossword, and she peers over his shoulder to offer her help. She can't remember a time where James doesn't come up from behind her while she's struggling to reach something, and hand it to her easily.

She can't imagine a life without  _James,_ and it's somehow too much and just right all at once.

* * *

"I don't understand how one person can wear so many clothes. Especially when they're a  _barista."_

"What's  _that_ supposed to mean, Evans?"

Lily isn't sure how James and Sirius lived before she moved in. Once she ventured out of her closet, she realized that they had a severe lack of cleaning supplies, of course, only after she realized the horrible state that the bathroom was in. The counters in the kitchen were covered in mysterious sticky stains, which  _still_ confused Lily because they didn't have any food in the pantry, and the only thing in the fridge was a busted soda can, and a few random condiments.

Lily had spent a whole weekend grocery shopping, cleaning, and arranging things to the point that when James arrived home from work he had mistaken the mixture of lemon, bleach, and vinegar for a gas leak and panicked.

He's cute and a bit of an idiot, but  _fuck her,_ she's completely smitten with him.

The thing Lily can't seem to wrap her mind around the most, however, is the fact that James either doesn't know how to do laundry, or just hasn't done a single load since he's been living on his own. When they had agreed on a shared laundry day, she didn't expect to spend a majority of the  _actual day_  washing and folding clothes in the basement of their apartment building. He had several trash bags full of clothes that needed to be washed, and apparently no concept of the knowledge of sorting between darks and lights. But she's a bit pathetic and more than a bit attracted to him, and can't seem to bring herself to mind.

"I'm just  _saying,"_  she says, holding up a t-shirt and pretending not to notice the way it would swallow her if she were to put it on, "I haven't seen you wear this  _at all."_

And,  _trust her,_ she's been paying attention to all things James. Wardrobe included.

"Hey!" James' eyes light up as though she's offered him his favorite sweet. "I haven't seen this shirt in  _forever!"_

"Exactly," she snorts. " _Please_ don't tell me you've been wearing the same uniform to work over and over."

"I'm not an  _animal,_ Evans."

"Are you sure? Conrad's taken such a liking to you that I'm beginning to wonder."

"Awe, Evans." He grins at her, and Lily knows him well enough to see the mischief behind it. "Are you jealous?"

" _No."_

Honestly, she is just a bit. Conrad has a perfect excuse to curl up in James' lap, being a cat and all. And Conrad just  _lays_ there as if he isn't lying on a gorgeous man, nowhere  _near_ having a heart attack, while Lily has taken to screaming in her pillow if they have so much as a fingertips worth of contact on complete accident during the day.

"I think you  _are,"_ he sing-songs.

"I think you're a bit delusional," she says, folding one of his many shirts and adding it to the pile.

"And  _I_ think someone needs a  _hug."_

Lily's eyes widen, and her heart begins to race. " _Don't touch me._ I don't know when the last time you've washed that shirt is!" Though, truthfully, that's not the reason she doesn't want him to touch her. Her brain turns to mush when they simply brush shoulders. Being wrapped in his arms may make her unresponsive for a few days.

It may kill her, and he would have to try to revive her with CPR, which would just kill her again because his  _fucking lips_  would be on hers. She would die and go to heaven, and the angel guarding the gates would ask her why she's so pathetic.

"Come on, Evans!"

Lily, lost in thoughts of a pre-death snog, was left completely unaware of James advancing towards her, and before she could react, he scoops her up, lifting her off the ground, and causing her to squeal. Her legs instinctively found their way around his waist, and really, this is  _fine._

Completely, totally normal.

To an outsider,  _maybe,_  this would appear as an odd thing for two roommates to do. Lily herself found it peculiar when he suggested it just moments ago, but now she can't bring herself to find anything  _wrong_ with the hug.

They're friends.

Friends who hug.

And though Lily tries to convince herself that it's innocent enough, she also notices the way he squeezes her tight while burying his nose in her hair, and she wonders if he notices her inhaling his scent, trying to keep him with her for the rest of the day.

She's not sure if James notices, but Sirius does the moment he steps into the room, and clears his throat. It's a loud, obnoxious sound that bounces off the walls of the laundry room, and startles Lily, but James doesn't release her.

"Hey mate," he says instead. As though the entire situation isn't awkward. As though he hasn't got her lifted impossibly high. As though her legs  _still_ aren't wrapped around his waist. "What's up?"

Lily hasn't honestly  _seen_ much of Sirius since moving into the flat. It's hard to see much of anyone when you're hiding in your closet from a fit boy. She knows that he works at a pub, that he has a thing for leather, that he is James' best mate, and that he positively  _does not_ like her.

How could he with the way his eyes harden at the very sight of her?

"Is this going to be a normal, everyday  _thing_ now?" he asks, his eyes narrowing. "Because I'd rather not have to check every room I walk into to make sure Evans isn't clinging to you like a sloth in a tree."

James snorts. "Lily isn't a  _sloth."_

Lily flushes and hops down from James, nearly losing her footing on the way down, because  _fuck_ he's tall. She only half wonders what it would be like to climb him now. The only uncharted territory being his shoulders, and she sometimes wonders what it would be like to sit on top of them, but only very briefly, because her usual fantasy - the one that she plays in her head long after she's retired to her bedroom at night, and she is certain no one else is awake - normally revolves around her legs being wrapped around his waist. Sometimes a leg over his shoulder with his hand on her thigh, pushing it forward even more, but she tends to stop herself before it goes any further than that. Her knickers really won't appreciate if she went any further.

"Work today, Sirius?" Lily asks, noticing he's dressed for the pub, and hoping her cheeks aren't tinted pink.

"Yep," he answers shortly, before addressing only James. "We still on for tonight?

"Yeah," says James. "Of course."

He grabs a t-shirt from the pile that Lily has just folded. "This is mine." And then he leaves and Lily winces slightly.

"I don't think he likes me," she says to James though she's still staring at the door. "At all."

"Nah," says James. And though she's only known him for two weeks she thinks she knows him well enough to recognize the strain in his voice. "He loves you."

Lily snorts. Sirius doesn't love her.

But he's going to.

Starting tomorrow.

* * *

Sirius Black works in a little pub twenty minutes away from their flat. Lily knows this, not because he's told her so, but because she has text James to ask him which pub Sirius works at so she could conveniently stop by on her lunch break.

She's sitting in her car, hunched over the steering wheel, watching him from her car. She suspects he's probably on break, but doesn't want him to spot her just yet. Not out in the open where he can bolt. She's got to secure him inside the walls of the pub where there are less chances of him making a scene, or running away from her. She scrunches her nose as he flicks a toothpick on the ground that he was using to clean his teeth in a most disgusting way, and retreats back inside. She is going to  _make_ him her friend, and then she is going to teach him about the importance of not littering.

They could join a environmental organization to preserve the earth together. They could build a fucking house for Habitat for Humanity together if she plays her cards right.

Though Lily is rubbish at cards, and once lost an embarrassing amount of money.

But that's neither here nor there at the moment.

Once she is certain he's in the pub, Lily adjusts her sunglasses in the mirror of her car. They're big and remind her of Audrey Hepburn. She tried to dress the part as spy after formulating the plan before she left for work, but as soon as she put those glasses on, she thought of her black sundress that would go with them, and ended up looking more like actual  _Audrey Hepburn_  than a spy.

She just needs a long cig holder, some black gloves, and she would be dressed to kill.

"Skitch," she says, addressing herself in the mirror. "How did we get here?"

Before she can talk herself out of it, Lily opens her car door and quickly darts across the street, only managing to get honked at once for not looking. The pub isn't the normal sort of place for Lily to find herself on her lunch break. Normally she eats at her desk while  _still_ doing work. But the thing about Lily is that she can't live in a world where she knows someone doesn't like her. It's not as though she can't  _understand_ why someone wouldn't like her. Frankly, she's a lot to handle. She's a little bit of glitter and a whole lot of force to be reckoned with, and sometimes she takes down whatever's in her path if she's set off. And while she can  _understand_  it, she refuses to  _accept_  it. Especially if the person who doesn't seem to like her is James Potter's best mate a _nd_ her flatmate.

But she knows she has her work cut out for her the moment she opens the door to the pub, and Sirius meets her with a glare harder than the ones he spares for her at the flat.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, placing both hands on the bar and leaning forward.

"It's my lunch break," says Lily, simply.

"So? Go somewhere else."

"I don't  _want_ to go somewhere else," she huffs. "And I think it's time we got to know each other a bit better anyway."

Sirius snorts as Lily takes a seat across from him. His gaze is cold, but her smile is warm, and she sees the thin line of his mouth twitch just the slightest.

"We  _live_ together, Evans."

"Yes," she agrees. "But  _you_ have been avoiding me, and I'd rather like to know why."

"I'm not  _avoiding_ you-"

"You are too! If I walk into a room, you leave. If I make any sort of conversation, the most I can get out of you is a word or two or an occasional grunt. The way you look at me-"

"I look at you just fine!"

"You look at me like I'm Yoko Ono! You look at me like I'm a walking  _Tuesday!"_

" _What?"_

"A  _Tuesday_ ," says Lily, drawing out the word slowly, and jabbing him in the chest with her finger. "The worst fucking day of the week."

Sirius looks down at the finger that's still poked into his chest, and back up at Lily with raised eyebrows.

"What do you have against Tuesdays?"

"What do Tuesdays have against  _me?_ That's what I would like to know."

Sirius sighs, swatting her hand away, and sliding her a beer which she takes as a peace offering. He looks at her, though not in the same sort of fashion as when she first walked into his pub. Now he looks simply exasperated with her, but that's progress in some sort of twisted way.

It means she's breaking him.

"There's something you've got to understand about James," he says after a moment. "He's incredibly stupid when he's in love."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"It's got  _everything_ to do with it."

"I'm not following-"

"Look, James is my best mate, but he's a  _fool_ when he's in love. He's not a fully functioning person if he likes someone. And Wednesday morning he leaves for work, saying he's got someone that is interested in the room we're trying to rent, not bothering to tell me that this person is a  _bird._ No offense-"

"Um, full offense," says Lily, taking a swig of her beer and trying not to grimace. She's  _not_ a drinker, but she doesn't want Sirius to know that. "There's nothing wrong with my gender."

"Christ, let's not go down this road," he says, rolling his eyes. "That's not what I meant. Anyway, the bloke leaves for work a fully functioning human, and then  _you_ walk into his shop, and I get a call in the middle of the day telling me to go home immediately, and bake fucking  _chocolate chip cookies_ so our flat will smell nice when you come to visit-"

Lily is torn somewhere between laughing and crying. "He did  _not."_

"I shit you not, Evans. So not only have I lost my best mate to some bird he's only just met, but he  _moves_ her in with us;  _claiming_ he doesn't have any sort of ulterior motives, but  _then_ he hears through this bird's closet, that she's apparently taken to hiding in, that she's possibly  _smitten_  with him."

" _Oh my god-"_

"And you don't know this, because you really don't know James if we're being honest, but he keeps a notebook. Now, he doesn't even know that  _I_ know about his notebook, but I do. Because I'm his best mate and a right snoop. And do you know what I found in this notebook? A ten step plan to win said girl over written by a complete  _idiot._ Also, a idea for shower snacks, but that's something else entirely that I'll have to shoot down. Anyway, I've  _never_ seen him reach this level of madness. And he is,  _mad_ that is. He's completely mad about you, and he can't see past your stupid eyes and stupid hair to see that this would be a  _horrible_ idea. "

Lily is stunned silent for a moment, unsure of how she should take any of this information, and feeling cross between giddy and sick.

"It's not - it's not like  _that."_ Her voice cracks, and Sirius leans over the bar, closer to her, smirking in a way that makes her feel queasy. "We don't like each other like that. We're - we're just  _friends."_

"Are you?" He's challenging her, and Lily suddenly knows why. She's moved in on his turf in more ways than one. "Are you  _really?"_

" _Yes,"_ she says. "I've only known him for nearly two weeks. I shouldn't - I  _can't_ like him. I just got out of a seven year relationship."

"It sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself rather than me, Evans."

Sirius is staring at Lily as though he's got her cornered. Trapped, caged, surrounded. And Lily realizes a bit too late that it was a horrible, terrible decision to come by his pub on her lunch break. Because he  _does_ have her cornered, and now she's got to plow forward except this time she isn't taking Sirius down. She's taking herself down.

"Fine," she spits. She leans forward so that they're nearly in each other's faces, clutching her beer tightly. " _Fine._ I like him. I like him  _a lot._ More than you should when you've only known a person for two weeks. More than you should when you've just gotten out of seven year relationship. A hell of a lot more than I should considering that I moved in with him,  _like an idiot."_

Sirius blinks, completely taken off guard with her honesty. "Evans-"

"No, isn't that what you wanted to hear?" She's not sure why she's so livid. Sirius was only looking out for James. Something she understands, but he's forced her to face her feelings aloud, and she was hoping to keep them confined to her bedroom in the dead of night for the rest of her life. Only between her and occasionally her fingers if she needs them. "I like him, okay? But I'm not  _stupid._ I know nothing can happen between the two of us. I know it would be this colossal, damaging  _thing_ if it went wrong, and that you would get caught in the crossfire. But we - James and I - we're just  _friends._ "

Lily's words hang in the air, as though someone else had said them, and a silence follows them. Lily hears the words, processes them, understands them. But doesn't realize the fluidity of them until they are spoken aloud, and not trapped inside her own mind.

She  _likes_ James.

And while they are just friends, that isn't all that she wants them to be.

And here is where she is well and truly fucked.

Her first words ever spoken to James Potter would be a constant theme in their life together.

Sirius and Lily stare at one another for a moment, neither one speaking. Silences are so loud when they're between two people, and Lily wonders if she's gone deaf. And then Sirius takes a breath, almost a sigh, and pulls out a menu, sliding it in front of her.

"What's this?" Lily's voice is cracking, and she realizes that she's embarrassingly close to tears.

" _That_ is our burger menu," he says, poking at it. "And this is what we're going to do. You're going to call into work, tell them you've caught a headache or womanly woes, and you and I are going to spend the rest of the day eating and talking about our shitty feelings."

Lily blinks back at him, unsure of his sudden change of attitude, but willing to go with it.

"Okay."

"Okay." And he grins at her. His first real smile just for her. And she wonders if she'll back slide by asking him if she can snap a picture of it. She wants something to remember this by. "I'll grab you a Coke, because you're obviously not a drinker. I've got ice cream in the back for dessert."

"Is it low fat?"

"Evans," he says seriously. "When you get heartbroken as often as I do, you've got to learn to like low fat ice cream."

* * *

A few mornings later, Lily is woken up to the sound of singing, but this time she realizes it's a duet. James and Sirius are doing a horrible rendition of  _Don't Go Breaking My Heart,_ but Lily can't think of a more proper way to wake up.

She pads out of her bedroom, quietly so that she can watch the last few verses without being caught, and pulls her soft pink bathrobe closer around her. They're singing loud and as if they've made up a key of their own and it's sharp and flat all at once, but they're performing with more joy and life than she ever saw Nathan do in all her years as his girlfriend, standing in the back of those grungy pubs.

And she thinks that  _this_ is exactly how life should be.

Somehow all sharp and flat.

Somehow all loud and silent.

Somehow everything all at once.

Lily's leaning against her door frame when James turns and notices her. Not at all embarrassed about being caught singing a duet with his best mate. Sirius spots her too, crossing his eyes at her, and continuing on in his part with out James.

"Hey," greets James. "You look good in pink. Have I told you that?"

"A few times." She grins and he grins right back. And  _fuck_ she's entirely too smitten. She has to sit down before he makes her swoon and she gets a concussion from smacking her head on the floor. "Though I think you need another eye exam. Pink looks horrible with my hair."

"Nah, it doesn't. And I'll have you know that I  _did_ have an eye exam, Evans," he says, and proudly pulls a pair of sunglasses from his belt loop. "And I got  _these!"_

Lily grins at James, curling her legs underneath her on the couch, and quirking an eyebrow at him.

"Are those glasses prescription, or just to make you look cool?

"Well," he says, slipping his sunglasses on, and giving Lily a look that makes her bite her lower lip. "I  _am_ the barista after all."

"Get out of here, Skitch, or you're going to be late," says Sirius, rolling his eyes between the two of them.

James leaves for work, pausing at the door to lower his glasses at Lily - giving her a glance of hazel, and making her heart race - before leaving her alone with Sirius for the first time since they had their talk. Except this time, he doesn't look at Lily like she's Yoko Ono or a walking Tuesday. This time he looks at her like she's gone mad, but he's rather fond of her insanity. As though he knows something she doesn't.

She scrunches her nose up at him. "What?"

"I don't care what you say, you and Prongs aren't friends, Evans." He's shaking his head, and smiling at her. "You're not friends  _at all."_

"I'm friends with him!"

"James and I are friends. You and I are friends,  _now._ But you and James...you're something else entirely."

"What do you mean?"

"Friends don't look at each other the way you guys do. Friends don't hug the way you guys do."

"It was just a hug-"

"He lifted you off the  _ground,_ and you wrapped your legs around him! Friends don't hug that way, Evans!"

"Okay, okay!" Lily groans, throwing her head back over the couch, as Sirius slides down next to her. "I  _know_ friends don't do the things that we do, but we can't be anything  _more_ than friends."

"Not right now."

"Maybe not ever."

Sirius snorts. "He bought those stupid prescription sunglasses for you. Don't tell me it wasn't almost flood city when he put them on."

" _You are so crass!"_ shrieks Lily, smacking him upside the head. "I can't believe you!

"Tell me your knickers aren't ruined!"

"I think I prefer you  _not_ talking to me after all," huffs Lily, but she's laughing, unable to help herself.

"Whatever," smirked Sirius, throwing an arm over her shoulder, and turning the telly on. "He's a sucker for you in that bathrobe you know."

But Lily doesn't say anything.

Can't say anything.

Her mouth is dry and her mind is flooded with visions of undoing her bathrobe with nothing on underneath, and wondering what his reaction would be.


	3. Naked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This thing has turned into some sort of New Girlish fic, and I'm just going with it at this point.
> 
> I cannot tell you how happy I am that this insane thing has found an audience. Lily is so much like me that it makes me very self conscious some chapters!
> 
> I hope she's relatable to some of you too.
> 
> An Easy A reference and more That Thing You Do references ahead.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Three**

**or**

**Naked**

Lily wakes up late on a Monday.

And whether it's from the fact that Lily - who is  _not_ a drinker by any means - found some sort of fruity mixed drink that she liked and had nearly consumed her body weight in said drink while sitting on top of Mary's shoulders crying over James Potter's biceps at her friend's  _Bloody Mary Turns 28_ party;  _or_ the fact that she just forgot to set her alarm the night before, the fact is, Lily wakes up late.

Which sets in motion the following chain of events which Lily will later deem (in ten minutes to be precise) the most humiliating moment of her life to date.

* * *

Lily thinks it's odd that of all things,  _silence_ stirs her from her sleep. She can't recall a morning where James isn't singing, or Sirius' bark-like laugh isn't pushing through her door, waking her before her alarm even has a chance to go off.

But today, it's completely, utterly  _quiet_ , save for the chirping of a song bird outside her window, and her eyes burn and itch as she blinks through the offending sunlight.

She's still in the dress she wore to Mary's party - a tight black number that she normally wouldn't even  _dare_ try on, but she took Sirius shopping with her and he insisted on it being  _the one -_  and her white pillowcase is smudged with watery mascara lines. She pats around her bed for her phone, finding it underneath her pillow, and completely  _dead._  She has no way of knowing the time or if she's late to work, but figures if she has to wonder she probably  _is_ late.

But she only has a moment to ponder and panic over the peculiarities of it all before she's sitting up in bed and remembering how incredibly ridiculous she was the night before.

And it's not so much the  _memories_ \- as there are none coming back to her at the moment- but rather the throbbing of her head that alerts her to her own stupidity.

Lily has only been hungover a handful of times, and has nursed Mary from a hangover several more times than that, but is all too aware of how they start.

"Oh god," she says, feeling the dry heave lurching in her throat, and cupping her mouth with her hand as she gags. " _Oh god!"_

Lily tries to jump out of bed, but she's tangled in the sheets and crashes towards the ground. It takes several moments of clawing and cursing before she's able to free herself and fumble towards the door. The dry heaving is dangerously on its way to actually spilling her stomach's contents, and the bathroom seems too far away.

After throwing the door open with such force that it bounces back off the wall and nearly hits her, Lily discovers that she's  _not_  home alone, contrary to what she suspected when she woke up, for she's met with a bemused Sirius Black in the hallway. Even though he's a giant blur, Lily can make out the distinct smirk across his face as he watches her lean against the wall while clutching her stomach.

"Rough night, Evans?" He's tossing an apple in the air with one hand, and Lily thinks the simple motion is enough to make her want to hurl. "You were right difficult to get into bed last night. It took James and me both. You kept telling James to give the people what they want, and put on his shades."

" _Bathroom,"_ she chokes out. "I need the loo - I'm going to be - I'm going -"

"You'll have to teach me that move you were keen on last night. You called it the  _lawnmower_ I do believe-"

" _Sirius!"_

"Right, right," he says, stepping out of her way and gesturing towards the loo. "It's all yours."

Lily darts past Sirius, stumbling as she reaches the door to the loo, before throwing it open. She barely makes it to the toilet before she's clutching it, heaving, and thinking of all the ways she's going to  _kill_ Mary.

She's absolutely going to  _murder_  her for turning 28, and for having a  _birthday_   _party_ for turning such a random age.

" _Who has a party for turning 28?"_ cries Lily, and her voice, ragged and scratchy, bounces around the inside of the toilet. " _God damnit, Mary!"_

" _Lily?"_

Lily blinks, her head still submerged in the toilet, and her hands tightening their grip around the porcelain until she's certain her knuckles have whitened.

_No, no, no._

It isn't until that exact moment that her name is being called that she notices the steam fogging up the bathroom, the heat that has collected in the room because of it, and the dripping of the shower head.

And,  _fuck her,_ she's not alone.

_Of course_ she's not alone.

Why  _would_ she be alone when the universe has decided that she should live with the only man in the world who could ever add up to  _Guy Patterson?_

The only guy in the world who looks  _better_ than Guy Patterson in a pair of sunglasses?

And she knows she shouldn't, but she looks up anyway, and there, above her, clutching the shower curtain tightly around his waist, dripping wet -  _of course he's fucking dripping wet -_ is  _James Potter._

And Lily suspects that she really  _has_ died this time, and she'll tell the angel guarding the gates that this time -  _this time -_ she went completely catatonic because she caught sight of James Potter's chest  _and_ biceps without the cover of a shirt.

And,  _really,_ that's enough to make any girl blush her way into an unresponsive state.

He really is unfairly,  _stupidly_  fit.

And she's a  _very stupid_ girl, because she's clearly ogling him.

"Oh my  _god,"_ she says, coming to her senses, and covering her eyes with her hands. "Sirius -  _Sirius told me no one was in here!"_

"Lily-"

"I'm  _so sorry-"_

"Lily it's - "

"I was going to be sick, and I just couldn't - I  _never_ drink like that! I don't know what -"

"Honestly, Lily-"

"And I didn't mean to just  _stare_ at you! I didn't want to -  _I mean -_ it's not that I wouldn't  _want_ to. You- you have very nice... _everything._ But I- "

" _Lily!"_

Lily blinks from behind her hands, her eyes too dry and scratchy for tears, thankfully, and peers at James -  _specifically_  the portion of him that is covered by the shower curtain - from between her fingers.

"What?"

"It's okay," he says. He sounds slightly amused, and Lily doesn't have to see his face to know that he's grinning. To know that he's close to laughter. "But all the towels are missing, so I can't really…  _move_ with you in here."

Lily frowns, her nose scrunching as she does so. "The towels are missing?"

The mirror is starting to clear from the fog, and Lily chances a glance at him through it, wondering how his hair could possibly be  _more_ messy while damp.

"I'm pretty sure Sirius has taken them. If I had to put my money on it."

"Sirius?"

"Just a very strong suspicion. Do you think you could..." James trails off, his eyes darting towards the door, and Lily suddenly feels rather stupid and a bit embarrassed.

"Oh," she says, swallowing. "Of course - yeah."

Lily stands, her hands still covering her eyes, which is why she doesn't notice the puddle on the floor, and by the time she  _does_ it's far too late. Time seems to slow down, wanting to make Lily painfully aware of her own humiliation, and it's almost as if she's watching from outside of her body as she falls backwards. It's as though she can almost  _see,_ rather than feel, herself falling backwards into the tub. As though she has to watch in horror as James is grabbing her around the waist before falling backwards himself, her hands gripping the only thing she could think of to possibly steady herself, and watching as she rips the shower curtain down with them.

And,  _fuck her,_ she would end up turning the shower on in her stumbling about, so they both end up being soaked with water.

Lily twists and turns against James, sputtering and choking after getting a mouthful of water, and it's only after several moments of wheezing that she realizes that she has her back against the shower tile wall, James' hands  _still_ around her waist, and he's pressed against her.

Completely, entirely  _naked_ with no shower curtain intact to cover him.

And when did her hands find their way to his biceps?

" _Oh,"_ she says. She's unsure of where to look, her heart is beating erratically, and she's positively  _drenched._ "Oh  _god."_

_Fuck her._

Fuck her right into oblivion.

She had  _known_ he was fit, but she wasn't aware of - of  _everything_ that made him quite so fit. Simple brushes of skin never made her painfully aware of how incredibly  _firm_ he is, and Lily's fingers twitch on impulse to squeeze his arms.

She wonders, with their chests pressed together as they are, if he can feel her heart pounding. She realizes that he hasn't quite said anything; then she feels his fingers flex on her waist, his thumb digging almost painfully into her hip bone, and it's almost too much to  _not_ look up at him.

He's incredibly tall. Something she already knew, but having to lean so far back that her head presses against the shower wall just to see his face makes her aware for the first time that his chin could rest at the top of her head.

"James."

It's just his name. Barely a whisper, the only thing she seems to have enough air for, but somehow steady and sure. And she's not sure if she's simply addressing him or giving him permission, but the simple sound of the syllable leaving her lips seems to ground her. Her heart, rather than slowing to its normal pace, seems to stop, and Lily finds that she much prefers it. It's not so loud when it's lodged in her throat, unable to beat or move, and the silence clears her head, allowing her to notice the bits of gold in his hazel eyes for the first time.

His head has dipped further down so that the water from the shower head is no longer spraying her, though she can feel the chill from the droplets against her skin. She shivers against him, knowing it's not from the coolness of the water, but because she can tell from the tightness of his jaw and the dilation of his eyes what is about to happen.

What she  _wants_ to happen.

And almost on impulse, her eyes are fluttering shut, her hands moving to feel the gruffness of his unshaven jawline, and his own trail up her back to the zipper of her dress.

And really, what's so  _wrong_  about kissing James Potter?

It seems so incredibly  _right._

So incredibly  _easy_.

Despite of the fact that she's just a month post-breakup.

Despite of the fact that  _he's_ completely  _naked,_ they've torn down a shower curtain, and she's just  _vomited._

Despite of the fact that he's -

_That he's her -_

" _Roommate!"_ She shrieks, shoving him away from her, and then shrieking again when she has ample view of -  _everything._ "We're- we're  _roommates!_ We can't-"

"Lily- I -"

"Oh my god," she says, hopping out of the shower and nearly slipping again. "I can't believe we - I can't believe  _I_ almost -"

"Lily, wait please-"

"I'm so sorry," she says again and wonders how much she's uttered those words in the past ten minutes. " _So, so sorry."_

Lily hears the slipping of James' feet against the shower floor, the ruffling of the curtain, and wonders if James is trying to stop her, but she reaches the door before he can.

She's not ready to face  _whatever_ almost happened between them, and she's even less prepared to face  _him_ without so much as a towel for cover.

She can't  _believe_ her own bad luck, and it's not even fucking  _Tuesday._

Has the universe forgotten bad things are only supposed to happen to Lily on  _Tuesdays?_

Is nearly snogging your naked, fit roommate in a shower considered a  _bad thing?_

Lily isn't sure, but what she  _is_  aware of is the fact that it's not the universe that has it out for her, but rather one Sirius Black.

He's standing outside the bathroom door, his own bedroom right across from the loo, and Lily stands, dripping water and gaping at him.

"Well?" Sirius is leaning casually against the door frame, taking a bite out of an apple, and acting as though he hasn't just caused the single most mortifying experience of Lily's life. "Did you enjoy the view?"

Lily blinks, torn somewhere between rage and humiliation, and it's all Sirius Fucking Black's fault.

"You-  _you told me no one was in there!"_ There's a crash from the bathroom, and Lily wonders if James has fallen, but she's not about to go back in and check. " _What the hell is wrong with you?"_

"It looks at though it really  _was_ flood city this time," he says with a grin as his eyes dart over her. "Good on you, Evans."

Lily has no other response other than a mangled shriek, and Sirius cackles, throwing the half eaten apple in the air once more and catching it before disappearing behind his door.

And Lily thinks fleetingly that if there's one thing more conniving than a  _Tuesday,_ it's Sirius Black.

* * *

Lily is extremely late to work that day, but since it is so very unusual for Lily, her boss lets it slide just this once. The only thing that  _does_ give her any sort of trouble is Robert Hodge, who has recently learned of her newly acquired  _single status,_ \- but  _not_ apparently of her roommate that she's clearly smitten with,  _fuck her,_ and nearly  _snogged_  in the shower that morning - and has been after her for a date ever since.

It isn't that Hodge isn't exactly her type. It's just the fact that he doesn't make her feel like she could possibly self-combust at any given moment, and the only person that's ever made her feel that way was still in the bathroom when she left for work.

And Lily wonders what it must possibly mean, because she's fairly certain she's been in love before. She had  _said_ those words to Nathan.

But Nathan nor Hodge, nor  _any guy,_ really _,_ has ever made her feel as though she must know what a lightning strike must feel like based off something as simple has a handshake upon their first meeting.

And she wonders if perhaps love is  _supposed_  to feel like a mixture of self combustion and a lightning strike.

Something so all consuming and devouring.

"So, anyway, a few of us are going to this pub after work tonight. It should be fun. They have karaoke -"

Lily blinks, Hodge's voice shaking her from her thoughts and somehow making her more aware of her headache.

"I've actually got this  _thing_ with my roommates tonight." Lies. The only  _thing_ she has going on with her roommates tonight are plans to avoid them. "They've been planning it forever. Some sort of trivia night thing."

"Oh," says Hodge, looking slightly disappointed but not put out. "Well maybe I could stop by-"

"I've got  _a lot_ of work to get done today," says Lily, grabbing him by the shoulders and steering him towards the door.

"Okay but -"

"And a  _very_  important phone call I'm actually late at making. You know. Important profile piece for the website and all that jazz."

"Okay, but if you change your mind-"

Lily shuts the door, feeling slightly guilty, but not enough to stop herself from closing the blinds down in his face.

_Honestly,_ she huffs to herself.  _He'd have more luck with Gabi the gossip in HR._

Lily glances over at her reflection in the mirror she keeps in her office. Her unwashed but still soaked and braided hair remind her of her very important phone call.

Wondering if she's developing a complex, Lily climbs underneath her desk and dials Mary's number.

"Hey bitch," says Mary, picking up after the second ring.

"You know you call me bitch  _a lot,"_ hisses Lily. "And I'm starting to wonder if it's really a term of endearment."

"Of course it is."

"Is it? Since when has it become okay for girls to call their  _best friends_  derogatory names? You know, when I'm talking you up to someone I don't go 'that Mary, she's a real  _bitch._  Her bitchiness is her greatest quality.'"

"What's got your knickers in a twist this morning? When you left last night, you were shouting that you were going fishing, and James Potter's biceps were going to be your catch of the day."

Lily jumps and squeaks, banging her head on her desk. " _Fuck! Ow!"_

"Where  _are_ you? What was that noise?"

"I'm at work.  _Under my fucking desk!"_

Lily thinks that perhaps she  _should_ start listing bitchiness as Mary's leading quality, because it takes her five straight minutes to stop laughing.

"Oh my god.  _How old are you?"_ Mary snorts, and Lily can tell from Mary's sniffling that she has tears streaming down her face. "What's happened this time?"

" _You happened,"_ snaps Lily. " _You_ and - and  _that fucking mixed drink!"_

"I  _told_ you to slow down!"

"Why didn't you just  _make_ me? Cut me off or something!"

"It's kind of hard to tell you what to do while you're  _sitting on my shoulders_ sipping a drink called  _The Zombie_ out of a pitcher with  _a straw!"_

" _Oh my god."_

"Yeah.  _Exactly."_

"How - how did I end up on your shoulders?"

"I don't know. I have like super mum strength when I'm drunk. I bet I could have lifted a car off of a baby last night."

"Oh my  _god."_

"Yeah," says Mary. "So I'm sorry about your little hangover, but my shoulders are  _killing_ me this morning."

"It's not - it's not  _just_ the hangover," whispers Lily, afraid that Hodge may be listening in, and pinching the bridge of her nose. "This morning I woke up and had to puke-"

Mary snorts. "Big surprise."

"Except when I got done puking...I wasn't the only one in the bathroom -  _exactly."_

"What do you mean  _you weren't the only one in the bathroom?"_

" _James_ was in there."

"How did you not know that  _before_ you went in?"

"I had to puke so bad, and Sirius told me it was clear!"

"But how did you not see - oh my god.  _Oh my god!_ Was he -"

" _The shower, Mary!_ He was in the  _shower!_ And Sirius took all the fucking towels!"

"You're  _kidding."_

"No! And that's not even the worst part, Mary!"

"What else happened?"

"I slipped and fell-"

"Oh my god-"

"Right into him! We took the shower curtain down, turned the water on, and everything! We almost  _kissed_ before I came to my senses!"

"So he was-"

" _Completely_ naked. Our first kiss would have been with him  _in the nude_ and me post-vomit!"

There's a moment of silence in which Lily wonders if perhaps Mary has malfunctioned. Mary is  _never_ quiet, normally breathing in Lily's fair share of air, and talking more than enough for the both of them.

And then…

"Well, how was the view?"

"Fucking hell."

* * *

Lily's plan of enjoying a quiet night at home and avoiding her roommates starts off well enough. Neither James nor Sirius were home when she got off from work, and she manages to order Chinese food, lock herself away in her room, and snuggle herself just so in her bed before it all goes to hell.

It starts with a bang.

The slamming of a door meeting a wall with such force, that Lily hears a picture frame fall and shatter.

She knows it's not James.

James had come home nearly an hour early from work, but didn't disrupt Lily in her sulking. She had heard his familiar footsteps, his wonky gate pausing outside of her doorway briefly, before retreating to his own.

So when Lily hears the sound of someone being shoved onto the hallway table, clothing rumpling and possibly being discarded, followed by the sound of not one, but  _two,_ sets of scuffling feet, she freezes. She has half an eggroll shoved into her mouth, which is the only thing that stops her from cursing.

She should have  _known._ Rooming with two guys would eventually mean that one of them would bring someone home at some point. She just isn't prepared for all the banging, and the sound of someone's back being slammed against her door, and the  _noise._

If James hadn't returned home and hour ago, Lily would still be able to tell it was Sirius who had company by the way the girl is squealing his name.

"Did he bring home a fucking goat?" says Lily, choking on bits of egg roll. "She sounds like she's bleating."

Lily hears the girl cry Sirius' name again further down the hall, and assumes that they've taken themselves into his bedroom.

Which would be fine.

Normally fine, because they're behind closed doors.

Except Sirius' room has amazing acoustics apparently, and the woman goes from sounding like a goat to sounding like she's being murdered.

"Dear  _god,"_ giggles Lily, covering her ears with her hands, and abandoning her egg roll entirely. "Dear god -  _no!"_

When the bed starts to bang against the wall, Lily decides no amount of Chinese food is worth listening to the sounds of Sirius Black's  _love making._

_Which,_ apparently, he's stellar at, but Lily really doesn't need to know.

Lily jumps out of bed, rushing out the door to her bedroom, only to meet James Potter in the hall. She skids to a stop so she doesn't crash into him. They stare at one another for a brief moment, both of them covering their ears with their hands, and then they burst into laughter.

"I can't handle  _this,"_ says Lily, jerking her head towards Sirius' room and still giggling.

"Me either!"

"Does this happen -"

"A lot? Yeah," grins James, yelling over the noise. "I normally disappear for about an hour or two. Give them time to wear themselves out!"

"Where do you go?"

"Evans, I'm glad you asked!"

* * *

Escapes come in all shapes and sizes.

And in what Lily lost in egg rolls, James Potter makes up for in ice cream.

"Okay," says Lily. "I've got one."

"Shoot," says James.

They're sitting side by side at a little ice cream parlor that apparently James frequents regularly. At least, that's what Lily is assuming since the owner greets James by name. They're playing a game of just  _Truth,_ because James claims that Lily isn't ready for the dare part with him just yet, and Lily isn't one to object.

"If you could do anything in the world," starts Lily, " _other than_ your coffee shop, what would you do?"

"Easy, police detective."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I've always wanted to go to school for it."

"How did you end up with  _Spill the Beans?"_

"It was my mum's. She got older, wanted to retire, wanted it to be kept in the family."

"So now it's yours?"

"Now it's mine," he says, nodding his head.

Lily blinks, unsure of what to say, but James speaks again before she can.

"My turn," he says, setting his now empty ice cream cup on the table, and stretching his arms out behind him. "What the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you?"

Lily whips her head around to face him, nearly dropping her spoon in shock, but she's not that type of girl.

"You're kidding right?"

James blinks innocently. "What?"

And really, he's being a bit cruel.

And more than a bit of a git.

"Do you not remember everything that happened this morning?"

James quirks an eyebrow at her. " _That's_ your most embarrassing moment?"

"Do I need to remind you that I saw you  _naked?_ Is it not  _yours?"_

Lily doesn't mention anything about the kiss, and hopes that he won't either. It can go on being an  _almost something_ that turned into a nothing. Something that would be buried along with them when they died, and only coming out in those occasional moments her mind decides to replay her top ten most embarrassing moments before she fell asleep at night.

"No," says James simply. "An embarrassing moment is something you regret. I don't regret that."

"What - how -  _what?"_

"How could I?"

"How could you  _not?"_

"If I regretted when it almost happened, then I would regret when it finally did happen, now wouldn't I?"

Lily stares at James for a moment before breaking into a fit of nervous laughter.

"You -  _you're mad."_

"So I've been told," grins James. "But you don't seem to mind."

And he  _is_ mad, and she really doesn't mind, and she wonders if it makes her mad as well. The night is chilly, the beginnings of fall creeping through the air, and Lily shivers from a mixture of things. Whether it is her heart, him, or the cloak of the night sky, Lily suddenly feels very open. Very vast.

Very infinite.

And she wonders why she's never felt this way before.

"Ugh!" moans Lily, taking a bite of her ice cream, and attempting to change the subject. "This is so good. Cookies n cream is my favorite."

"I know," replies James. "You keep it well stocked in our freezer."

"You  _need_ ice cream in the event of a heartbreak."

"Have you needed it lately?"

Lily thinks James sounds hesitant, and the way he avoids looking at her, looking down down at his cup of ice cream instead strikes her as odd. He's not normally one to shy away from conversation. Point proven by their game of Truth, but this question seems different in meaning to him somehow.

Something important.

Something bigger than a game of Truth.

Lily takes a bite of her ice cream, sucking on the spoon for a moment longer than she needs to before answering.

"No," she says, pausing for a moment to look at him. When he looks back she smiles. "I haven't."

"Good," says James, smiling too.

And Lily lowers her eyes, still smiling, and looks at James from underneath her lashes.

She wonders if he feels like infinity too.


	4. Scalded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Carolynn on her birthday.

 

 

 

**Chapter Four**

**Or**

**Scalded**

Lily Evans  _hates_ coffee.

Which isn't a secret to anyone that really knows her. The smell alone is enough to make her nose curl up in disgust. The  _taste -_ bitter and burnt -gives her a headache that lasts the entirety of the day.

_Fucking bean water,_ she calls it.

She's outright  _refused_ any sort of coffee date with Mary in the past no matter how much persuasion Mary puts into attempting to get her to go.

But for all Lily's hatred of coffee itself, she can't quite bring herself to hate Spill The Beans. Not when the messy haired barista, who just so happens to be her stupidly fit roommate, stands behind the counter making her the normal cup of hot chocolate she's become accustomed to every morning before work.

"Thanks," she sighs gratefully as he hands her the cup. She clutches it tightly in her hands, breathing in the smell of milky coco and allowing the warmth to thaw her numb fingertips. It's only mid-September, but already the chill of fall is starting to creep into the morning air.

And Lily breathes it in deep and feels her soul awaken.

"Your cheeks are a bit red," comments James. Lily thinks his are tinted rather pink as well but doesn't say so. "That should warm you up a bit."

"Hmm," she hums, slowly sucking in the hot chocolate and feeling the warmth bubbling up inside her from it. "Just what the doctor ordered."

"Doctor Potter, at your service."

" _Doctor Potter,"_ Lily repeats. The formality of it causes Lily to sit up straighter as she takes him in. Her toes curling, her stomach flipping.  _Doctor Potter._ If he  _were_  her doctor, Lily would be ill all the time.

_Honestly, Evans, you and your fantasies are getting out of control._

"Sounds better than barista, doesn't it?" James doesn't notice the way her cheeks have surely moved from chaffed to blushing. Or he doesn't say anything about it at least. " _Anything_ sounds better than barista if we're being honest."

"You're not  _just_ a barista though," argues Lily. "You own this place."

"Technically I was  _given_ this place. There's a difference in working towards something and simply being  _handed_ something."

Lily says nothing. Unsure of exactly  _what_ to say in this situation. She doesn't feel as though James has been handed a job. Rather,  _forced_ into it by his mum's desire to keep the coffee shop in the family name and James' desire to please his mother. He certainly doesn't work as though he were handed something. He's at Spill the Beans from very early in the morning until sometimes very late at night. He's worked hard to bring in new patrons from marketing the small shop on social media to baking an assortment of pastries fresh every morning. Someone who is just handed something certainly wouldn't put as much effort into the place as James is every single day.

"I'm excited for the long weekend," says Lily after too much time has gone by for her to properly comment on his career woes. The words are lame and come jumbling out.

"That's right," says James while reaching for the coffee pot to pour himself his morning cup before the masses. "You took tomorrow off to help your friend move home."

Lily nods. "Yeah. We haven't seen each other in a while. Grad school and actual adult jobs."

"Does she need any extra help? I wouldn't mind closing down the shop, and I'm sure we could rope Sirius into taking the day off."

"Oh, that would be great!" Lily's heart swells and she isn't sure if it's from the thought of spending more time with James, or having to lift less heavy furniture. Or perhaps the thought of spending time  _watching_ James lifting heavy furniture. "He's actually a  _guy_  though, but physically, Remus and I are probably in the same realm so we could really use your help -  _oh my god, James!_ Are you okay?"

Lily isn't sure exactly  _what_ happened, but the next thing she knows, James has dumped the entire pot of coffee all over himself, and is howling with pain.

" _Fucking hell,"_ he hisses, clutching and cradling his hand to his chest. Lily can tell from the way James' eyes are shut tight and the gasping as though his breath is stuck in his throat, that James is trying very hard to hold it together.

" _James,"_ breathes Lily, jumping up and knocking her chair over in the process as she hops the bar.

"That's was pretty impressive," groans James though Lily isn't sure how he could see her do much of anything with the way his eyes are watering now.

Lily fights the urge to roll her eyes and then gives into it as she takes him by the forearm to lead him to the back sink. "We've  _got_ to get your hand under some cool water."

Trying not to think of the fact that this is the most bodily contact they've had since the  _shower incident_ and how her heart is beating like mad because of it, Lily shifts into caretaker mode - _infatuated_ caretaker mode - and turns on the faucet, gently taking his scorched red hand in her own and placing it under the water.

" _Ah!"_ He cringes, tensing up, and then relaxing as the water takes effect.

His fingers go limp and her own tighten carefully to hold him in place. She forgot to roll her sleeve up and the water splashes against the material of her shirt though her skin feels on fire and the lapping water does nothing to cool it.

"We've got to keep it under for a while to ease the burn," she says. Her wrist is trembling while James has seems to have gone completely catatonic.

_Twenty minutes,_ that is what her mother always told her. Twenty minutes under cool water for a burn.

And Lily wonders how an eternity can seem to fit inside twenty minutes.

"Your friend is a  _guy,"_ says James and he sounds so strained that Lily looks down to make sure she isn't squeezing his hand too tightly.

"Yes." She raises her eyebrows, unsure of what Remus' gender has to do with their current situation. "Last time I checked."

" _You checked?"_

"What -  _no!_ Not like -  _he's a guy!_ I can assure you, without actually having seen  _\- anything,_ he  _is_ a guy."

James blinks, looking rather lost and as though he's not comprehending anything Lily is saying. "I'm a guy."

"Well spotted. Why is any of this important right now? You've gone and burned your hand somehow. The issue of Remus' gender can wait."

James flexes his hand underneath the water, and Lily's thumb instinctively traces the now pink outline of a blossoming burn.

"I think I accidentally touched the steam wand, and then that caused me to spill the coffee all over myself."

" _Oh James,"_ tuts Lily. She cuts the water off and raises his hand to inspect it. It doesn't look  _too_ bad. It certainly isn't worthy of a hospital visit at least. It appears as though he's just grazed the pipe, luckily enough for him, and the only thing he's really concerned about is Remus being a guy. "You really ought to be more careful."

Moments pass in which Lily realizes that James hasn't said a single word while she's nearly intertwined their fingers together, her eyes so focused on how his hands are so very calloused while her own have remained soft after all these years. When she finally manages to lift her gaze she finds James' hazel eyes - cloudy and dark- on  _her_ rather than their joined hands. And she begins to tremble. They're far too close together, and impossibly alone. The shop hasn't even opened yet and there's nothing really creating any sort of distance between them other than a million things Lily can't seem to say to him because they don't even make sense to her just yet.

But when James swallows and takes his hand that isn't resting in hers to place two fingers underneath her chin and tilt her head upwards, Lily suddenly  _knows._

Any space between them, James Potter would be willing to cross for her.

And the thought is both frightening and thrilling all at once.

"Lily," he breathes, as though her name should  _always_ be said as an exhale. As though everyone else has been saying it wrong her entire life. "Lily, I -"

Time stops in that moment.

And then flashes forward to show Lily what will happen if she lets it.

He'll lean forward. Their lips will meet. Brushing, hesitant, testing at first. And then the very breath that he uses to sigh her name will fill her lungs, clouding her judgement, and she'll pull him closer. She'll sigh right back. She'll inhale. He'll give her so much air that she'll positively fly like Peter Pan.

And then…

And then…

_She'll have to admit that she's in love._

_With her roommate._

And she simply  _can't_ do that.

In the end, it's time that saves her, slowing down and dropping her off at the precise moment where she's meant to be.

James is leaning down towards her, their lips have yet to meet, all the breath in her lungs is still just her own.

And she's positively  _not_ in love.

Not just yet.

" _No!"_ she cries, and she's reminded of the  _bathroom incident._ But before she can utter the dreaded word of  _roommate_ that has gotten her into this mess in the first place, she glances at the clock, noticing that -  _for the second time in her life -_ she's late to work. " _Shite! Shite, shite, shite!"_

There's a certain speed that which only a woman who is running late can achieve, and Lily credits that as the reasoning for how she's managed to get back out towards the front of the shop so quickly.

" _Lily, come back!"_ James is behind her. Of course. He's  _always_ behind her. In front of her. Beside her. He's  _everywhere._

"I'm  _late,"_ she shrieks, grabbing her bag from the counter top and tossing it unceremoniously around her shoulder with such force that it spins around a bit and smacks her in the back. "And we - we almost -  _again!"_

"Lily, it isn't that big of a deal!"

"Not a big deal?" she repeats, laughing a bit. " _Not a big deal?_ It's a  _huge_ deal! And it's not even fucking  _Tuesday!_ It's Wednesday!"

It says something about how much James truly  _gets_ Lily that he doesn't question what she means by her statement. That he knows how truly dreadful Tuesdays can be for Lily, and doesn't try to justify Tuesday's dreadfulness by stating that it's purely circumstantial. The fact that he doesn't so much as bat an eye at this superstitious side of her that so often blind sides people is heartbreaking to Lily in a way that it wouldn't be if they were anything other than roommates.

"Lily," he starts again.  _Lily, Lily, Lily._ The way he says her name as though it's his last breath. As though it's a prayer and he's pleading with her. "Please don't walk out that door."

And Lily hates that her hand is already reaching for the handle when her heart is beating wildly to stay.

"I'm sorry," she says. She sounds as though she might cry. "I'm so -  _so sorry."_

_Bathroom incident and now coffee shop incident,_ she thinks lamely to herself.  _Well done, Evans._

And then she leaves.

And the air that fills her lungs from the outside is so much colder than what James had to offer.

* * *

Working in the Public Relations department of the hospital is fairly boring. Lily tends to run the same few articles a couple different ways each week, or add a bit of flare and pop to the website when it's needed.

So when her boss, Mr. Cuffe, tells her that she's going to have the opportunity to interview an actual  _live_ person in a few weeks, Lily can't help but feel a tinge of excitement mix in with her lingering embarrassment from the coffee shop incident.

_How many near kisses can two people possible have?_

"She's a  _big_ donor," booms Mr. Cuffe. His voice is louder than the walls in Lily's office allow space for, and Lily tries her hardest not to pinch the bridge of her nose. She  _already_ has a horrible headache that she suspects has something to do with her busting her brain back at Spill the Beans. "She used to work here. Running the little coffee shop down stairs before she got her own place I think. Her husband is the inventor or some sort of  _hair care_ product line - I don't know. Some sort of cream or straightener. Anyway, they came into a lot of money, and now she donates a lot of it to this hospital."

"And she agreed to a profile piece for the website?"

"She's going to be in town in a few weeks, and I chatted her into it."

"Okay," nods Lily. "Just arrange for her to come by my office and I'll work my magic."

Cuffe clears his throat which is a loud, annoying sound that is usually followed by something equally displeasing. He only ever seems to clear his throat when he is going to ask a favor of Lily, and Lily knows from her morning email that there's a meeting in fifteen minutes that clashes with Cuffe's usual conference with the  _loo_.

_Fuck her._

The absolute  _last_ thing she wants to listen to is Tavey, the executive assistant, drone on and on about how a video detailing the Gala coming up would look  _fantastic_ on their website.

But she's saved, oddly enough, by none other than Robert Hodge sticking his head through the door and grinning sheepishly.

"Sorry Mr. Cuffe," he says. His grin doesn't spread all the way across his face, Lily notices for the first time, and it looks rather lopsided. But he's got kind eyes that flash towards Lily when he speaks next. "But I need to borrow Lily. I'm having a bit of trouble with my printer and I'm supposed to deliver a hard copy of a report to patient accounts in twenty minutes."

"Oh?" Lily raises her eyebrows and then her octave when she catches the way Hodge winks at her. " _Oh!_ I better go help him with this, Mr. Cuffe. I installed the printer after all. I think I still have the instructions it came with."

"Yes, yes," gruffs Cuffe. "Better help Robert with that - "

Lily is already out of the door before Cuffe can finish his sentence, Hodge meeting her quick stride with little effort. He's not much taller than she is, Lily muses. More of a scramble than a climb. Which is somehow both relieving and disappointing. Relieving, because he's nothing like James. And also disappointing because he's nothing like James but he's clearly interested in her. She can tell by the way he's looking at her as though she's the view at the top of the ferris wheel as he holds open his office door for her.

"There's no report due," he says, as Lily takes a seat across from him. "I just figured you could use a bit of saving. I could hear his throat clearing all the way down the corridor."

"Thank you. You really did me a favor back there."

"No problem." His eyes flick over her as though he has more to say. They don't grow dark the way James' do whenever he looks at her. Rather, they look clear. As though there's nothing obstructing his view. "Listen, Lily. There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about."

_Oh boy,_ thinks Lily to herself as she tries not to squirm,  _here we go._

"I am not a lot of things," says Hodge slowly after a moment goes by and he realizes that Lily isn't going to respond just yet. "I'm not necessarily the smartest guy. The most charming. The most fit. But what I may actually be is a bit stupid."

Lily's nose wrinkles. "You're not -"

"No, no. I  _am._ At least when it comes to you I am. Because I can clearly see that you're hung up over your ex."  _Wrong,_ thinks Lily. "And I know that it hasn't been that long since you guys have broken up, but what I'm trying to say is - and here comes the stupid part - I  _really_ like you. A lot. And while I'm rather stupid, I think you're probably the cleverest girl I know. And I'd like to take you out. Sometime. If that's alright with you."

"Out?"

"Yes,  _out."_

"Like - like on a d _ate."_

Hodge nods slowly. "Yes, I was hoping that's what it could be. Saturday night, maybe? If you don't have plans?"

Lily pauses briefly, chewing her bottom lip and thinking.

He's certainly  _not_ James which is both a pro and a con.

A pro because he's  _not_ her roommate and therefore an actual prospect when it comes to dating.

And a con because he's simply not James Potter.

Lily looks over at Hodge again and found him looking back at her. Straight at her. As though there is nothing particularly blinding about her. As though the sun doesn't set behind her. But he smiles at her in the next moment - all lopsided and as though it only half works - and Lily feels as though maybe a bit less intensity is what she needs right now.

"Okay," she says.

* * *

It's the beginning of Friday morning  _\- moving day -_ when the mystery of Remus' gender being an issue for James starts to unravel.

It starts with a hug between Lily and Remus in front of his new flat.

Squealing and giggling, Lily launches herself into Remus' arms, shrieking as he spins her.

And James' hand flies through his hair and his jaw sets.

The next untwisting takes place in the form of a handshake, in which introductions are made between the three boys and Lily finds Sirius being  _more_ warm and charming than normal which makes her curious. But it's  _James_ that strikes her as the most particular, for he clasps Remus' hand tightly, pumping it for a number of times that makes Lily grow uncomfortable, and smiling in a way that is just that -  _a smile_. Not a smirk nor a grin. Just a still, stiff smile that she suspects she's never actually seen before. It doesn't reach his eyes. It doesn't portray any sort of flicker of his personality. Nor, for the first time since she's met James, does he positively glow just from the action.

But it's  _after_ all of that when the final tangle resolves. After the moving of furniture, after the discussion of how many reading lamps on person could possibly need while living alone, after the realization hits Remus  _first,_ causing his eyes to darken so that the amber turns black with mischief while he watches Lily struggle to hold up her side of the couch as she dissolves into a fit of giggles over James' impression of Ross' ' _pivot!'_

Several hours later, when they're crowded in the space of Remus' new small flat, watching the telly while waiting on an order of hot wings and pizza, does Lily fully understand  _why_ Remus being a guy could possibly be of any importance to James.

Because  _James_ is a guy.

And more than that, he's a guy with a flaw - something that Lily was convinced he didn't even  _have_ five minutes into meeting the guy for the first time - that makes him more human and slightly more endearing than before.

Because James is  _jealous_ over Remus.

And Remus, who is a little  _shite,_ knows it, and is using it to his full advantage.

"Did you know that Lily here used to be in choir?" Remus asks quite loudly, even though they're all well within hearing distance. He's standing in his new kitchen - which is completely  _spotless_ thanks to Lily herself - and Lily is half tempted to bash him over the head with a frying pan. Rapunzel style.

James blinks, even  _that_ seemingly lackluster. "I didn't know you could sing."

"Oh, I can't," says Lily.  _Fucking Remus._ "Not really."

"Don't be modest, Lily," says Remus before turning directly towards James. "She's got a lovely alto voice. She always had a solo during our Christmas Uni concerts."

"Stop, it's not that lovely -"

"Sounds like Amy Winehouse when she's ill," continues Remus, ignoring her. "It was her  _dream_ to perform for a while."

"But you work in the HR department of a hospital," says James. "What happened?"

"It wasn't a very realistic dream," says Lily with a sheepish grin.

Remus snorts. "Since when have you ever been a realist? If I recall correctly, she met Nathan in a divey pub one weekend and her life has been on hold ever since." He looks James over just once before grinning. "Until now, it seems."

"My life hasn't been on  _hold,"_ argues Lily. "My job for the hospital is very important. I handle their image."

Though, Lily suspects, occupation is not what Remus meant when he said her life has been at a stand still. And she has to agree, really. In all matter of the heart - the  _important_ matters - Lily's life has been lacking, and she wonders, achingly so, what James would have been like in Uni. What it would have been like to meet  _him_ rather than Nathan. Though not in some sleazy pub on a Tuesday night. But rather somewhere that held more symbolic importance. Like a fountain that splashes her like a baptism when she sees him.

_Honestly,_ she thinks,  _enough with the daydreaming, Evans._

"Tragic, Evans," says Sirius, pausing his manhandling of Remus' bowl full of apples to gaze at her with a bored expression on his face. "Did you two ever date? Before the whole Nathan bloke. Or perhaps you've made some sort of pact to marry if neither one of you are able to land a spouse by thirty? James is too much of a  _gentleman_ to ask such things."

" _Sirius!"_ hisses James as Lily blushes a furious shade of red.

"No, sadly," laughs Remus. "Another tragedy, you see, since Lily and I have so much in common. One of those things being that we both prefer  _men_."

It's almost as if Lily can see relief wash over James, as though someone had cleansed him in the waters of it, and his features, that were so very two dimensional just moments before, blossom and Lily can see that even Remus, who clearly has his eye on Sirius, is appreciative of the view.

"Oh," says James. "That's great! I mean - I had no idea. I mean - not that it mattered - because-"

"James," says Sirius, "do us all a favor and shut up before you hurt yourself."

"No harm, no foul," grins Remus.

"It's great," says James again with a grin that threatens to blind Lily. "Perfect."

And for a moment, as the three boys as grinning at one another and Lily is smiling between them all, everything  _is_ perfect.

_Perfect, perfect, perfect._

And then her phone buzzes in her pocket, and she remembers it's  _not_ perfect.

For displayed there, against the background photo of James that she sent Mary, is a text from Robert, confirming their date for tomorrow night.

And Lily's heart sinks.


	5. Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Raissa. This is a few days early, but I hope you have a lovely birthday!

**Chapter Five**

**Or**

**Surrender**

It occurs to Lily, not for the first time but, perhaps, for the most significant time in her life, that she is, in fact,  _an idiot._

It strikes her like a lightning bolt, the fact that she's  _completely_ mad, as she's standing in front of her full length mirror in her bedroom, taking in her appearance in her nearly gold colored dress.

Gold is, perhaps, the only shade of yellow that compliments her. That doesn't positively wash her out, leaving her looking like a sick patient in a hospital on the verge of death.

But the golden hues of the dress don't take away from the fact that she is, and nearly always will be, completely, totally, and royally fucked.

The cause of her fuckery is her own fault.

She knows this and has accepted full responsibility, thank you very much.

She knows she's been dealt a bad hand by, well, her  _own_ hand.

She's got a date in less than thirty minutes, and while her dress hugs her in all the right places and her hair is curled nearly to perfection, Lily herself feels as though the world is ending.

And, alright, though she's just a  _bit_  dramatic and the fate of the whole world isn't exactly resting entirely on this  _one_  date, Lily herself cannot think of a worse possible scenario to have landed herself in.

This is worse than the time she got her first period during her school's Christmas concert... on a  _Tuesday._

This is worse than the time she confessed her love to Joshua Naylor at fourteen by  _shouting it at him_ in front of -  _nearly_ \- the whole student body...  _on a Tuesday._

This is also worse than the time she got her arm stuck inside a vending machine while attempting to grab a loose chocolate bar... _last fucking_ Tuesday.

But the worst part, the potentially world ending part, mind you, is that  _James Potter does not care._

Not even in the smallest, slightest way.

She thought that he would. Still hopes that he might.

She thought as soon as she told him about the date he would have absolutely lost his mind. That he would have gotten angry, demanding that she cancel the date, stating that there's some sort of clause in her lease that prevents her from dating that she is unaware of because it had been written out in crayon seconds before because he is a  _child_. Or, at least, she thought that he was. But he isn't, and, perhaps, he never was.

But besides Lily's own immature daydreaming that James would provide her with a confession of his love, or that he would react  _somehow,_  she is left basically reaction-less.

There had been a moment, brief and heart stammering, when she had told him of Robert the night before as he had been chopping up the vegetables for dinner, that he had paused, growing tense to the point that she was certain she had sparked a fire. That she was about to be consumed in his flames. But instead, when he had turned to face her there was a grin plastered on his face. Not quite his usual one, but enough to cause Lily to start.

" _Sounds fun, Evans,"_ he had said. " _Where's the bloke taking you?"_

And that had been that.

Lily's phone chimes, bringing her from the same memory she's been replaying in her head for the past several hours, and, instead, to Mary - her ever loyal, ever  _nosy -_  best friend who has been texting her constantly for updates.

Though, not on outfit selections or  _normal_ date things.

_**Mary: Has lover boy lost his shit yet?** _

Lily rolls her eyes, feeling them nearly stick to the back of her head.

_Honestly._

_**Lily: No and he's not going to. I'm telling you, it's not like that. I'm beginning to think it never was.** _

_**Mary: Bullshit, when is he going to Guy Patterson up?** _

_**Lily: He's NOT Guy.** _

_**Mary: Course he is. It's just not the end of the movie yet. Guy only reaches maximum swoon worthy-ness at the end of the movie.** _

_**Lily: Swoon worthy-ness isn't a word, and more than that, it's not a realistic scale to judge a bloke by anyway.** _

_**Mary: Whatever. It's certainly gotten me past a couple duds in years past. Did you pick an outfit?** _

_Now_ she decides to do the normal best mate thing, thinks Lily. Just hours too late.

_**Lily: Yes, I'm wearing my gold dress.** _

_**Mary: You look good in gold. Make sure you walk past James a couple times. Maybe he'll snap out of this good guy routine. Haha, see what I did there?** _

_**Lily: God, that's hardly a pun. Pathetic, Mary. Really. I'll have to walk past him in a moment to actually get to my bloody date. He'll see me in all my golden glory soon enough. Though, my favorite part of this dress is the fact that it covers the horrid freckles on my shoulders.** _

_**Mary: All freckles are lovely, fuck off.** _

Lily can't argue with Mary's  _fuck off_ logic. Partly because she's appreciative of it. Mostly because she's simply afraid too since it's followed by a thousand middle finger emojis, and Lily hasn't seen anything quite so small, yet quite so threatening as a middle finger emoji sent by Mary.

She tosses her phone on her bed and then picks it back up again, frowning at the time.

There's simply no way around it, the end of the world is in thirty minutes, and if Lily waits around any longer for James to  _Guy Patterson up_ and stop her she's going to miss it.

She sighs and then considers the action. She's lived so much of her life wrapped around the breath of a sigh. Her life is a series of sighs, it seems. A few for Petunia, several for Nathan, and now one for James. Or, perhaps, it's for herself. She isn't sure what's ever really followed a sigh of hers, other than an aching of sorts for something completely unfamiliar, and wishing so desperately for the  _what ifs_ and  _could be, would be, should be_ of it all.

There's a knock, and a proverbial and literal door is opening, and James Potter is on the other side.

"Hey - wow," says James, running a hand through his hair. "You look...great. Really, really great."

"Thank you," she says, adding a pathetic twirl for effect and wondering halfway through why the ever loving  _fuck_ she's twirling for James Potter. "It's gold."

_Fucking hell, Lily, you idiot. He knows his colors!_

"I can tell," he says, grinning, though it looks a bit like the grin from last night. Not all there somehow. "You look good in gold, have I told you that?"

"No. Pink, navy, red, black, and purple, yes. But never gold."

"Well you look fantastic. Are you ready?" he asks, quirking an eyebrow in a way that she's certain Robert cannot do. In a way that somehow makes her knees go weak. "I have to pick up mum, and thought we could ride the lift together."

"Yes," she says, repressing yet another sigh, and disguising it as a smile. "Of course. I'm all ready to go."

She's not, and she never will be, but that doesn't stop the clock from ticking and James from waiting for her to exit. It's a travesty, or, more particularly, she's a travesty of a person. A walking tragic comedy, she thinks, as her feet carry her towards the front door. She ought to turn around and just stay home, eating old Chinese food that doesn't taste quite right warmed up a second time, and watching  _That Thing You Do_ for the thousandth time, wishing  _she_ were as brave as Faye. Wishing she could be brave enough to lean into James, closing her eyes at the last possible second, not needing to see to know that she's diving into the right thing. Instead, she's pathetic, a coward even.

"Where's Sirius?" she asks, noticing for the first time the he's not in the flat. "Has he got another date? Because I'd rather know what I'm walking into when I get home."

She wonders if it says something, the fact that she's certainly  _not_ bringing Robert back to her flat.

"He got called into work I think," says James. "Doubt he'll be bringing anyone home. Mum's staying in a hotel, but she doesn't approve of anyone Sirius has ever dated, and, no matter what Sirius tells you, he cares about mum's opinion."

He sounds nearly miffed, and Lily wonders if the harsh whispering she caught this morning when she woke up has anything to do with it. She had stood on top of her nightstand, ear pressed tightly against the wall, but she hadn't been able to make anything out other than the word  _Prongs,_ and she has no clue what that is even supposed to mean.

They're silent in the corridor, the only sound being the echoing of Lily's not-quite-heels-not-quite-flats, and during these few seconds of silence, Lily considers pushing James into the wall and kissing him. Just to see what it's like. To see if the world would stop or keep on spinning. To see if everything would fall into place or fall apart. To see where the universe lies between his lips and what it's made of.

If there's room for her in all of it.

But she doesn't do any of those things.

Instead, the stop in front of the lift and it opens almost immediately as James presses the button. As though it had been there the whole time, waiting to take her on this blasted date.

"That's odd," says James, blinking as the elevator dings. "Don't you think that's odd? We normally have to wait ages for it to work its way up here."

Their lift, though they live in a nicer apartment complex, has always been a bit iffy. More than once, Lily has had to bound down the steps after waiting on it for an ungodly amount of time, or risk being late for work.

"It is a  _bit_ odd," Lily admits, peaking into the lift as though she's expecting someone - perhaps Sirius - to pop out and spook her. "Do you - do you think it's safe?"

James' hand flies out as the doors begin to shut and Lily - a self proclaimed idiot, as has already been covered - flinches, throwing her hands up, rather than moving her head out of the lift door.

"Alright, Evans?"

Lily can hear the smirk in James' voice without even turning to look at him. She wonders how him tearing the mickey out of her makes her want to jump him even more.

"Shut up," she grumbles, hopping inside like a child. "It wasn't like I was going to be  _beheaded_  or something."

"I didn't say anything."

James doesn't step into the elevator like a child. He doesn't even step in right away. Instead, he stands there, hand still on the elevator door, head cocked ever so slightly as though he's just seen Lily for the first time. Or, perhaps, as though he's just seeing her for the last time.

The thought makes her shiver.

"Are you ready?" she asks.

She wants to ask if he's alright. If he'd rather her stay with him. Go with him to meet his mum. It would be easy, she thinks, to cancel on Robert.  _Wrong._ Horribly, terribly, extremely wrong in all the ways it possibly could be.

But still easy.

But instead of saying any of those things, she offers him a smile, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she does so.

"Yeah," he says, returning her smile with one of his own, though it doesn't quite light up his eyes. "Ready."

He steps in and presses the button for the lobby.

And then everything stops.

* * *

Lily's date was an hour ago.

Yet here she remains, trapped inside an elevator of all places.

There's no service on an elevator, apparently. Or, at least, not on this particular elevator where she remains wedged somewhere between her floor and the next. It shook to a halt almost immediately after James had pressed the button, causing Lily to stumble into the wall behind her, and for a heart faltering moment, Lily thought that  _James_  had pressed the emergency button to trap them inside.

To trap  _her_  with  _him._ And she had been surprised by how badly she had  _wanted_ that.

How badly she wanted him to turn to her and give the  _pick me_ speech.

But he hadn't.

Or if he  _had_ it had certainly been an odd thing for him to do to repeatedly jab the emergency button over and over.

"Do you think anyone will notice that we're gone?" asks Lily, long resigned to the fact that this is some freak accident and not fate. They've both slouched onto the floor, side by side, their shoulders barely brushing. Lily's hands twist nervously in her lap. "I mean...your mum. Won't she notice if you're not there to pick her up?"

_Idiot, Lily. What a stupid to say. Of course she'd notice._

James doesn't tease or laugh at her question. Instead he shrugs.

"Surely she'll think to call Sirius if I'm not there. Or...she ought to have called him by now at least. She should have already landed. What about you? Won't your date wonder where you are?"

"He probably thinks I've stood him up by now," sighs Lily. Another sigh. One for Robert. "It's not like I can exactly call him or anything. Honestly, it's like this whole place is a dead zone."

"You can always apologize and explain what happened on Monday at work." His foot jiggles next to hers, knocking it slightly. He's twitchy when he's nervous, she's beginning to notice, and thinks he must not be a fan of enclosed spaces. "Reschedule if you'd like."

_If I'd_  like. She nearly snorts aloud.  _I'd very much like not to,_   _b_ _ut knowing me I probably will._

"Someone will come looking for us?" she asks, rather than admitting that she's quite happy to not have to attend her date. "Don't you think?

"Surely someone will. I mean...everyone can't possibly use the stairs. Old Mrs. Figg, for one. She can't carry that big bag of cat food she buys every week up the stairs. Someone's bound to have noticed the lift is out by now."

"We've been in her for an hour now," says Lily, looking over at James. "How much longer could we possibly have to wait?"

* * *

Three hours, it turns out, is the longest she's ever been in a lift, and it doesn't look as though she's getting out of it anytime soon.

There's a certain madness that comes with being trapped inside an elevator for three hours. Lily can feel it clawing at her mind, scratching at the surface of reality and common sense, and giving way to irrational, teeth grinding insanity.

She isn't sure if it's the fact of being trapped inside a small room that's causing her to unravel, or the fact that, of all possible people, she has to be stuck inside an enclosed space with James Potter who smells like peppermint shampoo and ivory soap.

Those two smells shouldn't even  _go_ together, she thinks, but they do. And she's furious over how impossibly  _illogical_ it all is.

" _God,"_ she groans, throwing her head back. "This is  _torture."_

And it is. Torture, that is. It's nearly causing her to crack. Her palms are sweaty, and her nails are digging into them so tightly that she's certain they're going to leave a mark. She wants to drag them down James himself. His face, his chest, his bloody  _biceps._ Any part of him that she could get her claws into. She just wants to feel warm skin scraping against the tips of her fingers.

"Could you not do that, please?" James has his forehead pressed into the wall, eyes skewed painfully shut. Even  _that_ sets her on edge. "Could you  _please_  not make that sound."

"Oh, I'm sorry," snaps Lily, whirling around at him, fists clenched. "I didn't realize that my voice annoyed you so badly. I'll be sure to keep my grumblings more to myself."

They've both staked out their corners at opposite sides of the lift, and are in some sort of stand off with one another. Over what, Lily isn't sure. But their patience has grown increasingly thin and she's afraid of the consequences of it snapping in two.

"It's not - I didn't mean it... _like that_ ," says James, turning to face her. His glasses have gone slightly wonky from his face being squished into the wall, and Lily wonders why  _that_ of all things causes the peculiar burning sensation in her stomach.

"Then what did you mean it like,  _exactly?"_ mocks Lily, crossing her eyes at him and throwing her voice in an impression of him.

She's childish, she knows, but she can't seem to stop herself.

He's just as frustrated with her, she can tell. It's in the way his eyes darken as he looks at her. They're practically black holes by now waiting to consume her, specks of gold long gone.

"Evans," he says.  _Growls,_ more like, and it causes her spine to tingle. His voice is the equivalent of nails being dragged up her spine, she thinks. "Shut up."

He's  _never_ spoken to her that way before, and it's almost pathetic how much it excites her.

How much it sends a shock of bravery through her.

How much she wants him to do it again.

Which can only be the reasoning for what she says next.

"Why don't you make me?"

It's supposed to be a question but it comes off as more of a dare. And James, never one to turn down a dare, adjusts his glasses in a way that's so...so... _Guy Patterson,_ she thinks, walking towards her so slowly that Lily can count his steps.

_One._

The lift is small, barely enough room for any sort of distance between them, any breath of air that hasn't already been from the other person, and Lily, who knows this, still finds herself stepping backwards until her back hits the wall.

_Two._

They say - whoever  _they_ is - that you can tell that a man is in love by his eyes, and Lily thinks that in this moment that the same must be true for madness. James has lost it, she can tell by the way he's looking at her. As though she's the fine line between love and insanity.

_Three._

He's before her now, the backing up of her own steps causing him to cross a further distance for her, and she feels entirely not ready for whatever is to happen next.

"Evans," he says, the sound of her surname coming off his tongue like dripping honey. He sounds so sweet to look so incredibly dangerous right now.

"Potter." She means for it to be a challenge, but it sounds more like a question.

He's far too close and every breath she draws in now tastes like his peppermint shampoo, hitching in her throat and making it burn.

And when he speaks, she thinks she must have misheard him from her senses overloading.

"Truth or dare."

" _What?"_ she says, her voice sounding ragged. As though it came from bated breath. "What does that have to do with -"

_With the fact you've got me backed into a corner. With the fact that your eyes look at though you want to smother me. With the fact that I may just let you do it._

"Just  _pick,_ Evans."

It feels like a trap. Like two roads diverged, and she's not certain which one to take. As though if she takes just the slightest misstep, she'll slip and fall, into what, she isn't sure.

James has said, once, weeks ago, that Lily couldn't handle a dare with him, and now, more than ever, she believes those words.

She wants to be brave, and to feel as though she could.

But her throat feels dry when she speaks next and her answer is almost automatic.

"Truth," she says, and though she's a bit of a coward, she still manages to meet him in the eye. "I choose truth."

"Alright then, Evans." He's taken another step closer, one she didn't think was possible, and now it's as though they're standing nose to nose. And when he speaks next, she wonders if he can feel her breath go shallow against the warmth of his own. "When was the last time you were decently kissed? I mean, truly, truly, good and kissed?"

"Pardon?" It's not at all what she is expecting, and on a stupid impulse she flattens her back against the wall, James' hands going on either side of her head as she blinks up at him.

_He doesn't mean..._

_He can't mean…_

But he does.

She  _knows_ he does, she just can't quite bring herself to believe it.

"When," he starts again, slowly, as though she's gone quite thick, and Lily thinks his lips are impossibly close to her own, "was the last time you were good and properly kissed?"

Her mind flashes to...to...absolutely  _nothing._

She wants to blame it on the fact that he's so very close, and she can't possibly manage to think straight under these circumstances, but that's not the reason and she knows it.

She can't remember the last time she was well and truly kissed.

Not with all those years with Nathan, not in that small space of time before there was ever a her without Nathan.

Maybe, she thinks, she's  _never_  been properly kissed.

"I don't - I don't know," she admits, the heat creeping up on her cheeks making her feel as though she's on fire. Or, perhaps, that's James breath lingering across her parted lips that's making her ignite. "I don't think I have been."

It's so incredibly warm, and she knows it's the source of the heat in the next moment when his lips crash to hers, the warmth traveling down her throat, burning and tingling, and she's never felt herself quite so ready to be consumed in flames.

He's fire and she's ice with the way she's melting, and Lily knows the answer to his question now.

She's  _never_ been kissed properly. Not until this moment.

How could she have been when none of the other boys made her knees grow weak, never made her whimper into their lips. Never made her feel as though if they stopped, she would die from the lack of it all.

There's a whole list of  _nevers,_ she realizes, and she doesn't want to go the whole of her life with James Potter being one of them.

He grins into the kiss, lips tugging, curving into her own, in a way no boy has ever kissed her before, and g _od,_ there's something about the arrogance of it all that makes the fire move to the pit of her stomach.

And it takes this moment - this single, breathless moment - for Lily to realize how very daft she's been this whole time. Running from James, avoiding him, attempting to date another man...none of that could have ever worked.

Because she's in  _love._

She's been in love since she walked into the coffee shop, never fully realizing it until just now because she has never  _known_  what love is. What it could possibly  _be._ She's never seen the act of it, but James - sweet, daft,  _completely insane_ James - embodies it. Lives it.  _Is_ it. At least, for her. It's as though her heart has been ripped from her chest, as though it has never worked properly until this moment.

The reality of it all catches up with her, crashing down on her like...like…

_Like a lightning bolt,_ thinks Lily somewhere in the back of her mind, a million miles away.  _Loving James is like being struck by lightning._

She had felt it first at  _Spill the Beans,_ had been feeling it ever sense, but here, trapped as she is with nowhere to go, she's finally able to let it strike her fully. Hitting her with a  _crack_ that she hears inside her own mind, leaving her hotter than the surface of the sun, and creating her into something entirely  _new._

_Like glass,_ she thinks.  _Like lightning to sand._

Lily isn't aware that's she's started crying until she tastes the salt between her and James' lips, isn't aware that he's whispering something she can't quite make out as the hand that's cupping her face brushes away her tears with his thumb, but she does notice the lift lighting up, coming to life.

It jolts her, jostling her about a bit, but James, solid and steady as he's ever been, doesn't move. His forehead is pressed to her own, lips parted and panting, and she wonders if he knows she's in love with him.

He must, she thinks, with the way he's looking at her when the lift finally slows to a stop.

As though he knew it before she even did. As though  _he_ could possibly love her back.

"Do you -" she starts, but can't finish, the air from her lungs gone.

But it doesn't matter.

He knows her, and what she means.

He always has.

"Yes," he says, sounding as though he's swallowed her fair share of air. "God, yes."

It's simple, but it's  _everything_.

And Lily feels the trembling of her body cease.

There's a choice that has to be made, she realizes, and it's staring back at her in black rimmed glasses.

And, for once in her life, she takes what she wants, grabbing it by the collar of his button down shirt and pressing her lips to his in a way that's nearly bruising, nearly crushing, but he pushes back, never faltering, because,  _fuck her,_ this is exactly what she needs. Not not be treated like glass, or like she's about to break. Like...like she's a force, and he's her impact.

And there's freedom in James Potters lips, she thinks, that tastes like peppermint and sounds like a sigh she's never heard herself make before.

And they're still kissing when the doors to the lift open, never parting even when they shut once more.


End file.
